Several years and countless tears later, I will have survived the hell of emotional, verbal and physical abuse at the hands of the man who said he loved me.  I will begin speaking out against this devastating epidemic, vowing to use my pain for the purpose of raising awareness and healing others.  One day, I will walk to my closet and grab the hanger holding the green shirt that was once my favorite. I’ll take a deep breath, thinking briefly about the last time I had worn it (hmmm…with my leopard skirt?) and toss both the hanger and the shirt in the nearest trash can. Looking at the ruffles peeking over the brim, I will close the lid and walk away without looking back. Why should I? It didn’t fit me anymore anyway.

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I remember when I was 21 years old and witnessed a dear friend get assaulted by her boyfriend.  He and I played tug-o-war with her body as he tried to drag her down my apartment stairs, eventually pulling her out of my grasp. My then-boyfriend did nothing– “It’s none of our business”, he said. The next day she apologized to me (yes, SHE apologized) and I hugged her and asked her why doesn’t she “just leave”. She told me it wasn’t that simple and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t.

Imagine my surprise and humiliation when I found myself in a full fledged abusive relationship by the time I was 30. Humiliation because I was embarrassed to be “weak” and surprise because I couldn’t pinpoint when and how exactly I got HERE.  I remember feeling both one particular night as I picked up all of my belongings and my pride from my abuser’s backyard during a quiet snowfall. What I can tell you about abuse is, the world looks so much different from the inside of a snow globe.

When you’re on the outside looking in, it’s so easy to say what you would do if you were in a particular situation. It’s so easy to judge someone for their decisions if we haven’t had to face those same decisions ourselves. I’m not just talking about abuse. I’m talking about people struggling through any type of hardship: trauma, addiction, depression, financial strain, grief, heartbreak, etc. So many people are suffering in silence because the coulda/shouldas from the people they love are too loud.

I was 30 years old when I realized I wasn’t the friend my friend needed me to be one fateful moment nine years earlier. And it wasn’t until I was standing on the other side of a very quiet and lonely snow globe.

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I immediately started a job with a personal injury firm, a field I didn’t have experience in, and was absolutely miserable.  So miserable, in fact, that I would have to pray before walking through the doors and again when I left. That didn’t last long, as they told me they overestimated their budget and couldn’t afford a full time person, let alone one that they had to train. I was let go and later found out I was ineligible to receive unemployment benefits because I was just shy a few days of the required length of employment.

For the last 4 months I have been unemployed and not for lack of trying to find work. This was new to me as I’ve NEVER had trouble finding a job before and I’ve never had to solely depend on someone else to make ends meet. But, not only was I unemployed, I was unemployed while running a non-profit organization where people rely on me for help daily. Watching my husband break his back to hold our family down and not being able to help him, and having to turn away new clients because I couldn’t help them, while STILL trying to help the clients we already had…I was beyond stressed. But more than that, I was humbled.

On 9/3, I will start my new job in advocacy with another city prosecution office— a job my daughter convinced me to apply for.  My commute time is 4 min each way! I will get off earlier during the week and have off on Fridays, allowing me the extra time I’ve grown accustomed to having for my family and G.R.O.W. Later next month I’ll be in Phoenix for the first time for a huge DV conference and I imagine the opportunities will continue to go up from there.

I learned so much during these last 4 months! I was reminded that it’s ok to need, ask for, and accept help. That there are people who will truly hold you down, even when they don’t know that they are. That God just wants you to sit your ass down sometimes and rest. And last but not least, having the right person(s) by your side as you ride through the storm is everything. My husband and my family is everything. Someone recently asked me if I regret turning in my resignation letter that day in April. I don’t. I regret doubting for even one second whether we would be ok once I did.

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I needed him to see he didn’t break me.

But you know what? I realize now that my husband was right. My friends were right. My family, too. He doesn’t owe me. I owe me! I owe it to myself to continue to be this bad ass woman that I have become. I owe it to me to embrace the love that I have for myself, inside and out. I am HAPPY and you know what? I deserve to be. I can’t lie. Deep down, part of me still hopes to run into him one day. When or if I do, I don’t know what I will say. But the difference between two years ago and today is, I realize the person who deserves to know I’m not broken is me.

The post Dear Closure, appeared first on G.R.O.W. Foundation, Inc. ®.

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It was no surprise that he found the rose nor that when he did, he tore it apart.  And me.  Petals made of paper, tears and a broken heart lay on the floor between us.  It’s stem, as wilted and paper thin as my backbone, folded itself in half as if wishing it were invisible.  I folded inside myself and became invisible.  The next time I saw the older gentleman he asked how I was doing and if I still had the flower.  I smiled and told him the rose was doing just fine.

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